


john mulaney: nice vampire

by georgiehensley



Category: US Comedians RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Gen, Humor, Immortality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-16 18:10:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14816294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/georgiehensley/pseuds/georgiehensley
Summary: a young woman investigates an old mansion on the edge of town after hearing rumors that it's haunted. what she finds instead is even scarier.





	john mulaney: nice vampire

**Author's Note:**

> i was going through john's tag on tumblr and found a post asking for him to be in the american television version of _what we do in the shadows_ as some young vampire born in the 40s. though i've yet to see the film, i do love the idea of non-menacing vampire john, so i ran with it.

“hello?” a young woman asks as she steps into the old house. she had heard many things about this place, tales of creepy old witches and haunting spirits looming around the halls. people told her to stay far, far away, but she just couldn’t help herself - she had to check it out.

she steps through the doorway and just as her hand drops from the door, it slams shut, as if some other force had given it a hard push. she jumps, heart racing in response to the loud sound as well as the sudden darkness that surrounds her. she reaches into the pocket of her jacket to pull out her cell phone, opening the flashlight app and turning it on.

“hello?” she tries again, cautiously taking a few steps further into the house as she looks around. her voice echoes in the seemingly empty rooms and hallways. her shoulder accidentally knocks into a wall as her flashlight beams in the opposite direction and she winces, rubbing it for a moment before continuing on her way.

she hears a floorboard creak and leaps back, thinking she was the cause of it. only, a few moments later, she steps further in and hears the noise again, this time from somewhere behind her. 

she whips around, only to find nothing there in her lit-up line of sight. 

“hello?” she asks for a third time, adding, “is someone there?”

a small breeze blows against the back of her neck, sending chills up and down her spine and raising goosebumps on her skin. she back around, finding the same result - absolutely nothing, or no one, is there.

“i won’t hurt you,” she calls out, momentarily wondering if her peers were right about their ‘old witch’ theory.  _it could just be a sweet old lady who was_ mistaken _for a witch,_  the rational part of her mind suggests. nevertheless, she continues on her way, steering clear of each wall she comes across, making sure not to repeat her same mistake from before.

when she reaches the living room, she gets a sudden feeling that she’s no longer alone. she winds her way through the room, navigating old, plush couches and a glass coffee table, shining her light everywhere only to find, again, nothing.

despite her initial relief in finding just a regular old abandoned household, she can’t help but feel disappointed to find nothing particularly interesting about the place. she almost wanted a good story to share with her friends when she got back home.

defeated, she settles down onto one of the large couches, coughing when her action causes a cloud of dust to form in the air. she leans back and sighs, shutting her eyes.

“hi!”

she bolts upright, lifting the hand that still grips her phone, lifting it to shine a light next to her, only to find a man now sitting with her on the couch.

she reacts in the only way she can:

she screams.

he screams back.

she jumps to her feet, hands now shaking as she holds her phone out in front of her.

“who the hell are you?” she asks. “a-are you some sort of ghost?”  _nice job_ , she thinks.  _now he’ll think_ you’re _insane, if you’re wrong_.

“what? no,” the man says, laughing as he stands as well. “don’t be silly! i’m a vampire.” she screams again and slaps him.

when he only groans, holding his cheek instead of returning the attack, her fear dissolves, and instead a wave of confusion washes over her.

“you’re... not going to attack me?” she asks.

“huh? oh, no,” he says, straightening again, though still rubbing the side of his face. “i don’t do anything like that. i haven’t had human blood in ages.”

“then how are you still alive?” she asks. 

“i’m not,” he states simply. “i’m dead.”

“oh, right,” she says. “i... forgot.”

“it’s alright.”

“so you just... live alone here?’

“yeah.”

“in this old, dark house?”

“pretty much.”

“why?”

“it’s easy,” the man explains. “if i lived amongst civilization, people would grow suspicious of the man who never ages, living in the same apartment for decades and decades. out here, i can just be my immortal self, and no one suspects a thing.”

“you’re not... lonely?”

“sometimes. i had a dog for a while. but she died several years ago.”

“oh. i’m sorry.”

“it was my fault. i was thirsty, lost control.”

“ _oh_.”

“yeah.”

“...”

“...”

“are you happy here, all by yourself? now that your dog’s gone?”

“well, i-- i, um... y-yeah, i mean, why wouldn’t i be?--”

“i’m gonna take that as a no.”

“you would be right.”

she smiles. “do you wanna... come back with me? not in  _that_  way, just... i’m meeting up with my friends tonight, to go over what i found here. they probably wouldn’t believe me if i told them i met a vampire, but if i had said vampire with me...”

he smiles. “i would be honored to join you for dinner.”

“perfect.”

“you know,” he says as the pair starts to walk out of the living room, heading towards the entryway of the house. “i don’t think we’ve properly been introduced.”

“oh, gosh, you’re right,” she says, mentally slapping herself. “i’m abigail. and you are?”

“john mulaney.”

“that’s funny. my dad used to be friends with a mulaney.”

“oh, really? did you ever meet him?”

“yeah, but only when i was little. i just remember him being on the tall side, very pale. we don’t have any pictures of him, for some reason...”

she trails off, glancing up to find john smirking, raising an eyebrow. her face falls.

“ _shit_. that was you, wasn’t it?”

“nice to finally see you again, abby. you’ve grown so much since i last saw you.”

“my dad is never going to believe this!”


End file.
